A Homage to Daytime TV Commercials

I would like to dedicate this blog to the unsung American hero: crappy daytime TV commercials.

I don't know what I find more offensive, the commercials themselves or who they assume their target audience is. Because boys and girls, if you sitting at home watching TV in the middle of a weekday while the other Americans are out there working their asses off, in American terms you, you lazy schmuck watching a rerun of Judge Judy are now classified as a "loser".

If you are at home watching TV at 10:30 a.m., (according to the advertisers who target you during these times) you must not be at work, so you MUST either be:

1. Some idiot who can't get a job. (This includes junkies, dropouts, single moms, "mamma's boys" locked in their parent's basement, a hillbilly, or a welfare-skeezing tramp who needs to call and get a paternity test from some DNA center so you can collect your child support later from whichever lucky man who got to be your "baby's daddy".

2. Some rich fuck who won the lottery but needs to call and get your lottery allocations consolidated into one lump sum.

3. Some schmuck who used to work but got injured on the job or in a car accident on your way to work that needs to call a lawyer NOW to get that settlement money you deserve comin' to you!

4. Some fat pathetic bastard who can no longer fit through the front door to get to work.

5. Some old fart who probably cant walk so you better call hoverround and get your mobility chair. Oh, and since you're old...that means you probably are going to die soon so you better call and get your ass some cheap life insurance. And if life has taught us anything, old people all have diabeetus. So you better get on the phone to Liberty and get yer "free testin' supplies".


The above reasons are the only viable excuses (according to the commercial advertisers) as to why anyone is home watching the 1:30 p.m. broadcast of Montel, dammit.

Don't believe me? Here's a few gems I saw today that made me snicker:

Hey you...yeah you asshole teenage boy who refuses to get the fuck outta the house and go to a real college...why stop sitting on your ass playing video games when you could turn your lazy slacking skills into a viable career?



Hey you, dipshit who needs to sue sombody over an accident...how about hiring a lawyer that doesn't sleep at night (and it seems to show) plus who uses a snazzy background video playing behind him that probably were ripped off of some "best of Nascar Crashes" tape? NOTE: Check out the background video at :17 for a special suprise......you won't want to miss it. Hahahahahahahahaha! "LOL" indeed.



Single mom? Get off your ass and pay the bills, bitch!



Hey you, you old ensure-chugging geezer! Tired of being stuck in your armchair unable to get up? Well, since your kids are obviously not coming to visit you it's time to get your wrinkled ass a hoverround. Immediately you will be able to gain the mobility and independance of previous years, and will be able to do all those basic things you miss doing, like going shopping, enjoying a picnic, or perhaps cruising down to the local mall where you can impress the young whippersnappers by doing some creepy old-person wheelchair synchronized line dancing with all the other hoverround-using zombies. Woot!



Don't think we left out you, you fat lazy men! Larry the Cable guy says call Nutrisystem and "Git-r-done"! Weight loss isn't just for the ladies anymore!



Too many more to list tonight, maybe I'll add a second part later. :)

Amazing Things on Home Shopping

Well, sorry for not posting in a few days. Today my phone charger FINALLY arrived - huzzah! So hopefully I'll be able to squeeze in a few posts with pics soon, and I'll be able to provide full photographic goodness on the trip-from-hell that I will shortly embark upon on Wednesday.



Today was a pretty boring but much needed day of rest for me. My dad decided to spend the day with his girlfriend so I was home alone with Dolph all day. I spent the day just being lazy, taking random naps and watching TV. (I wanted to investigate the attic but didn't since I didn't have a charged phone to take any snapshots of the monster.)



Television watching was a ton of fun. I watched episode after episode of the worst daytime swill American TV has to offer. After several episodes of Maury and Montel and the various "Judge So-and-So" show here and there I popped on the Home Shopping Network and watched a whole hour of what they were selling. And what I found on offer was GOLD baby...pure gold.



Yes, that's right...when he isn't busy play-fighting topless Brazilian jujitzu warriors, performing horrid boob jobs or neglecting his wife and kids, it appears our dear pal Dr. Rey has found himself another great diversion in his life by hawking his own line of "shapewear" on HSN.

NOTE: Don't miss the Dr. Rey gratuitous ass-stroking action at 5:10! It is downright "Beautiful...beautiful..."






God bless America.