SWE SWE SWEET!

I know the Olympics are over but I couldn't resist posting more Team SWE wear.
GOOOO SWEDEN!

Norwegians are sooo much cooler than Swedes

There been 2 pictures floating around the net recently highlighting how awesome Norwegians are (especially in comparison to Swedes).

The first is the classic pic of the Norwegians in scuba gear chasing the google car.

The second is the totally epically AWESOME Norwegian Curling Team uniforms.

Pretty sweet huh?!?!
Wanna see another?


Compare this awesomeness to the Swedes' uniforms....

Faux Hawks galore.. Booh!

Olympic Couture

The Olympics is just around the corner and I know the question on everyone's mind is, "What will I wear while I am cheering on Anja and Foppa?". Well thank god for Etsy.. this innovative designer has capture the Swedish Tiger spirit with this enchanting ensemble. I can't wait to paint my face, put on my crazy tiger hat and go down to the local bar to drink myself blind while I bitch about how unfair the Olympic judges are.

Swedish Breakfast Restaurant Style

All of us living here in Swede-town know that Swedes are total lushes. But apparently their reputation for binge drinking is international!
And look..it is free! Score!

Old People Zombies

It's happened to you a million times. You're in a hurry to get somewhere and decided to pop into your local grocery store (usually a COOP or an ICA) and you somehow end up behind either the always obnoxious stroller maffia or even worse...you get behind "THEM"! Old people..aka Zombies!

Well they may look harmless enough, don't be fooled old people will hunt you down for your brains!

Old people are old people. They've lived a long time and have a right to be slow, smell a bit funny and say crazy things. We all accept this. Hell, when I get old I am gonna wear rubber boots everywhere and yell at kids from my porch. But something magical happens when you get more than 2 old people together in a confined space...they ban together, move even more slowly and start chanting their mantra. No, not BRAINS! We all know that old people live off of bullar and hotdogs. (unlike their American counterparts who live off of dogfood)

Their cries of BULLAR....VARMKORV...BULLAR...VARMKORV could be heard for miles.

Well it has finally happened. Photographic proof that old people are zombies. Some fearless photographer braved the zombie apocalypse to capture this photo. Notice that grandma is not at all bothered by the swarm of zombies chasing her, chanting BRAINS..BRAINS! She is perfectly content to calmly push her walker across the crosswalk, fearless in a moment of imminent death. Why is she fearless..because zombies don't eat their own!

MORE SWEDISH XENOPHOBIA

If the Swedes can't be racist enough in their commercials - now they're going the low blow...making fun of people with Down's Syndrome.

Yeah, that really makes me want to go shop at ICA.

It's bad enough the "Ha, ha...immigrants are funny and weird!" commercials are a big hit over here (a post will be made about that later) but damn people...picking on the mentally challenged in order to sell some fuckin' groceries?

You people suck.

"Jerry" in the ICA commercials:



Seriously Swedish people...why you gotta be asshats like that? What's wrong with you?

Police

Cops in America: Happy to see you tased.



Cops in Sweden: Just happy to see you.

I am so proud......

HELL YEAH.

Craptastic

SWEDES KNOW ART!

If there is one thing Swedes really struggle with, it's their definition of art...

Here are a few examples. God save your eyes. Only the brave need scroll down...


I have no idea what this statue of a demented girl is doing, but I'm damn sure gonna stay away from her basket full of ice cream. WTF is that rubik's cube doing in there?


Theatre is no exception to bad taste, here we see a photo from the Swedish play "Best of Dallas"...obviously the scene where cowboy-clad guys have sex with each other using fake posteriors for the whole crowd to enjoy. *shudder*




PLEASE GOD....TELL ME IT ISN'T POOP.

Oh, it's Nutella? Oh, of course, that's what anyone would have thought at first glance! Silly me.

JEZZUS CHRIST, HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO SHAME?!?!?! IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL ART?!?!?




This lovely Swedish sculpture is titled "Deep into Russia", which is a fancy-schmancy way of saying; "Hey, I made a cow with a vagina that you can stick your head in and I call it art."

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SWEDISH PEOPLE?

Franks and Beans High in the Air!

What do I see dangling in the air there? What have those crazy swedes been upto? Actually this took place in Vail, but the Swedes were kooky enough to put it on the front page of Aftonbladet today. That man's family must be so proud!

The funny shit you sometimes find on myspace: ----------WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? --------

Found this on my myspace just now:





Apparently, that's what Jesus would do. (and did!) Today. LOLOLOL!

SWEDEN: A Tradition in Teaching Kids To Be Racist Bastards.

I found a new picture that compliments one Bad Cop and I took long ago.

Remember this? Erasers found in the local Swedish toy store:



Well, check out this Bamse comic book:




And I know what you're thinking, this must be really old or something, like from the sixties!

Nope...first published in 1988. And then they figured it was too good to not publish a SECOND TIME, so it was republished in 1993.

I couldn't make shit like this up.

KIDS IN PITEÅ - SCHOOL LUNCHES BEING MADE CHEAPER.

Well, as everyone knows, the economy in Piteå is wonderful. It is a world of plenty where there are jobs for all and all us residents spend our free time rolling around in our riches, throwing priceless paintings at hobos and polishing our monocles.

That being said it appears good 'ol Piteå Tidningen had some great news for the local school kids in today's newspaper:


(Note: I have no idea if the above person is male or female. Can you tell? Let's just call them "Pat")

That's right bitches. "Pat" has decided that luxury such as feeding children properly is something too expensive for P-town to handle anymore. Piteå is so busted-down broke-ass they are now going to "downsize" on food for school kids and have decided to "cut back" by serving the school children GRUEL.

Damn. Just don't ask for seconds!

Mr. MAYOR!

I have no idea why this is so funny to me, but dammit....it is.

TOP TOYS TO PREPARE YOUR KIDS FOR WORKING IN SWEDEN

Toys aimed at teaching kids various skills are nothing new. But in Sweden, toys have to be realistic. With the availability of finding jobs nearly impossible in this country, it would be unwise to make your tot think he could make something of himself. Doctor? Lawyer? Fireman? HA! Not in Norrland at least...

Here is a sampling of toys that will help your kid learn the skills needed to get the top available jobs in North Sweden, all menial labor! Get them prepared now, as the competition for jobs such as these are TOUGH - every little bit helps!

JOB # 1: GAS STATION ATTENDANT
HELPFUL TOY: TONKA LITTLE GAS PUMP

Be sure junior knows the ins and outs of a career pumping gas early with the help of this little gem.

JOB #2: HOT DOG STREET VENDOR
HELPFUL TOY: BISTRO GRILLE BY STEP2

One of the more coveted jobs available in Sweden, your little tyke will be ready to attend hot dog university ahead of the pack with a lifetime of practice flipping and serving hot dogs thanks to Step2.

JOB #3: COFFEE SHOP EMPLOYEE
HELPFUL TOY: EDUCATIONAL INSIGHTS COFFEE MAKER

In the dog-eat-dog world of gaining employment in coffee shops, knowing how to make a cup of coffee is a must! Be sure your kid is prepared to enter this exciting industry!

JOB #4: FAST FOOD EMPLOYEE
HELPFUL TOY: McDONALDS REGISTER PLAYSET

As anyone knows in the North, getting a job in fast food is hard to do. Now your child can rise to the top of burger flipping fame and beat out the other 200 applicants vying for the title "fry master"! With working register and snazzy visor that lets the rest of the kids on the playground that you have a FUTURE!

JOB #5: PIZZA BAKER
HELPFUL TOY: JUST LIKE HOME PIZZA DECORATOR SET

A must for immigrant kids, this set will have your child ready for one of the only occupations available to them. Don't delay making sure your child will have a job- almost as good as the Swedes!

JOB #6: GROCERY STORY CASHIER
HELPFUL TOY: TALKING CASH REGISTER

One of the most difficult careers to obtain (and trust us, after being denied several times we know!) it is also one of the best. Your child will be scanning and ringing up the job offers in no time with the help of this little delight!

JOB #7: JANITOR
HELPFUL TOY: JUST LIKE HOME CLEANING TROLLY

Much like the pizza decorating set, this is a MUST for immigrant children. Be certain your kids can nab that coveted job that immigrants all over Sweden wish they could get. Complete with degrading push cart!

JOB #8: AIRPORT SECURITY ATTENDANT
HELPFUL TOY: SCAN-IT SECURITY CENTER PLAYSET


Though out of reach for immigrant children, if your child has a last name like "Nilsson" or "Svensson" they can be on the fast track to success with this nifty security set!


JOB #9: DISHWASHER
HELPFUL TOY: COLOR BRIGHT KITCHEN DISHWASHER

Though the sad fact is becoming a dishwasher in North Sweden is nearly impossible since you have to have so much experience, employers will take a shine to your child because they'll have been practicing the ins and outs of a career in dishwashing since childhood! Give them the advantage today!

Everyone knows how hard it is to get a career in dishwashing, jobs are abundant but only go to the select few with prior experience. Don't let your child grow up to see ads like these at Arbetsförmedlingen and hang their heads in shame - getting your foot in the door is hard to do - be sure your child is ready!

Crazy About Chlamydia!

Are you young? Horny? Norwegian? Careless about condom use? Worried about getting "the Clap"? Then this article is for you! Luleå Hockey "star" Robin Lindqvist is here to teach us all about STD prevention!

Robin as you can see from the picture is not only a hockey player, he is also either a used car salesman or a porn star from the seventies. Love that suit and tie combo Robin! Love it! Boom-chicka-waaow! Actually he is an undercover reporter who skates and raps about stds! Does it get any better??

Here is the article translated from the original Swedish via Google Translator (I'm not doing it by hand, I got better shit to do with my time! If you want to read the original in Swedish click here). For those of you who are also lazy and just don't wanna read that much I've highlighted the awesomest parts.


"Careless with condoms" Are you young and horny, but careless about condoms? Then, the risk is great that you suffer from chlamydia. A venereal disease that is steadily increasing, mainly among young people. Now the county council takes the help of Luleå Hockey to get more people to protect themselves. The best way to protect themselves against sexually transmitted diseases is undoubtedly a condom. But it is perhaps not to do that the condemned person Norwegian (sorry, Norway!) Who got to choose execution method and elected to receive a syringe with the HIV virus. Afterward he laughed good and said "HAHA, I use a condom."
Condom is good. It is to show care, respect and love for his partner. Unfortunately, the trend is that fewer are using condoms, while chlamydia and other sexually transmitted diseases is increasing, says bio the doctor Anders Österlund.
The worrying trend is why the County Council's disease control unit chosen to cooperate with Luleå Hockey when the risks of unprotected sex to be elucidated. In a series of nine short films titled "no action without protection - the use of condoms" guides us hockey star Robin Lindqvist to safer sex practices. We cooperated with Luleå Hockey two years ago and got good penetration then. Hockey is a little macho and the hope is to reach more guys, "said Österlund. Robin Lindqvist is pleased with his effort as "investigative reporter". It was fun. We shall see what the guys say in training tomorrow, "he said, smiling.
The films are out on the County Council's website (www.nll.se) and will be used for information and discussion. The whole project has cost more than 300 000 kroner. Since the mid-90s, the number of cases of chlamydia has increased steadily in Sweden. 47 101 chlamydia cases. The majority (88 percent) were found in the 15-29 age group. Nowadays, chlamydia by far the most common sexually transmitted disease in Sweden. The disease is caused by a bacterium (Chlamydia trachomatis) and the incubation period is very short, often just a few days. Many who have the disease do not notice it, but for some the symptoms may be pain and itching when urination. Chlamydia can be cured with antibiotics, but women are not treated in danger of becoming sterile, men can get inflammation of the bi-testicles. Since chlamydia are classified as general dangerous disease, every case reported and the infected must declare any sexual partners he had.

So let's check out one of these awesome films...


Well done Robin! Well done! Although you sneaking around 2 homosexual guys' bedroom watching them have sex and then running out isn't as impressive as your film from last year...


What happened? What happened? Maybe you got an infection of the bi-testicles?

TOP 18 TOYS AND GIFTS FOR THE FJORTIS-IN-TRAINING

The holiday season is fast approaching, and with it comes the question most parents ask themselves: How can I ensure my daughter will grow up to be a slut? Well look no further than your local Toys-R-Us! Almost everything the mini-fjortis needs can be found under one roof. Here are hoboriffic's top picks for this season:

THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT

#18: The Slutty Santa Chloe from Bratz:

The doll that shows girls what the holidays are all about, preparing to be a Ho, Ho, Ho. Note: Fuck-me-boots included!

THE PIERCINGS

#17: Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell Belly Rings:


Because no fjortis is complete without some sort of body piercing that is inappropriate for her age, these rings are great starter kits for the mini-ho.

THE HAIR

But what about the hair....if one is to be a PROPER fjortis, one must have hair that is pite-riffic, full of crazy colors and put into that stylish chic "swedish girl mullet" to be taken seriously. Well, here's the best of this years toys to make sure you too will have sluttastic hair!:

#16: Bratz Hair Color Station:

Found in page 57 of the Swedish Toys-R-Us Holiday catalog, this product boasts that not only can it be used on your Bratz dolls, but for YOU TOO!

#15: Bratz Hair Color Torso:

Again, not only can you use this to "fjortify" Chloe's sexy bare-midriffed torso, the toymaker insists that once you practice your skills, you can fuck up your own hair too!

#14: Dream Dazzlers Stylist Chair:

Tired of having to go to the salon to get that awesome mullet frilla? Look no further, now you can do it at home!

#13: Dream Dazzlers Hair Color Kit:

When you've got that perfect fjortis cut, you better be sure to have the right multitude of tacky hair colors. No Salon Chair kit would be complete without this add-on!

#12: Girl Crush Hair Extension Studio:

Uh oh, cut too much of your hair off in the salon chair? No worries, the Girl Crish Hair Extension studio will make sure you too have crazy colorful extensions without having to throw away tons of kronor at those expensive salons!

#11: Hair Streaker Set:

Now that you have the cut and color, you won't be considered a fjortis without streaks of wildly-colored-shit in your hair. But no worries, for the low price of 189:90- SEK Toys-R-Us in Sweden has you covered! :)

THE TATTOOS

No fjortis can walk the malls without bearing the fjortis-trademark, the underage and inappropriate tattoo! Luckily, this holiday season brings a multitude of products to the Swedish market - many of which are either not being sold in the American market or are incredibly unpopular and hard-to-find...wow, who knew? Maybe because Americans see "keeping their daughter off the pole" as part of a good parenting plan?

#10: High School Musical 2 Tattoo Studio: (Only 249:90- SEK!)


#9: Hannah Montana Tattoo Gun: (Only 239:90- SEK!)


#8: Girl Crush Tattoo Studio: (Only 239:90- SEK!)




THE LIFESTYLE

#7: Everyone knows that fjortisar spend 90% of their time wandering the mall. Get your child prepared now by getting her the Hannah Montana Mall Madness Game!:


THE CLOTHING

So now you have almost everything down, but what about the style, the look? Well, Toys-R-Us has you covered there too! Choose from a variety of "play fashions" and you'll be ready to strut the mall with your friends in slutariffic style in no time!

May we suggest any of these fine choices:

#6: IDOL Dress Up Kit:


#5: Hello Kitty Rockabilly Kit:


#4: High School Musical Sharpay End-Of-Year Dress Up:


#3: Hannah Montana in Gold Dress n' Play:


#2: High School Musical Sharpay Golf Dress Up Kit:


AND NOW FOR THE NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY ITEM FOR THE UP-AND-COMING-FJORTIS..........



#1: Home Chlamydia Test:

Not available at Toys_R-Us yet but should be. Pick yours up for 298:- SEK here.


Happy Ho-Ho-Holidays!,

Hoboriffic