I just can't get enough of the Swedish mannequins. I fear Hobo Shoes has awakened a fetish inside good ole Bad Cop. Here are some of the gems I saw today while perusin my friend the interweb...someone is gonna have some fucked up dreams tonight!
The first comes from the "Wanted" section of eniro.se (the Swedish equivalent of the Yellow Pages). Our collector in Uppland is looking for "Older mannequins, preferably older mannequins with a molded hair-do". Personally I enjoy his fashion taste in dressing his mannequins. The hat, the shades, the jacket, this just screams Top Gun! I wonder what he does with his "Older model mannequins"? Plausible car pool members? Filler for that emtpy sofa? or does he do what Hobo Shoes wants to do someday and dress his mannequins in the outfits he is planning on wearing tomorrow.
Example 2 comes to us from Stockholm...I don't think much explanation is needed to get into the Swedish Psyche..but who doesn't love boobs? Finally...a Swedish child mannequin... I'm so scared right now!
This is my new favo Halloween treat. Halloween Paté. What kid wouldn't like tasty tasty paté treats? What makes this tasty snack even better is that it is still for sale at full price on November 3rd! (also if you look in the background you can see Hobo Shoes' favo snack, feta cheese...those slavs love feta and olives!)
Time to find things I'll need for my new home to decorate with, found a few on ebay and thought I'd share:
ITEM #1:
Auction Title: "VELVET PAINTING: A Sad Clown and His Young Monkey Lover"
Yesh. I kid you not, listen to this GREAT description from the seller:
~ Forbidden Love ~ On Black Velvet
'twas a love that could never be... The Sad Clown and His Young Monkey Lover
This is an original, hand-painted black velvet portrait of a Sad Clown and his Young Monkey Lover called "Forbidden Love" which was hand-painted by twin brothers from Tijuana, the professional Mexican velvet artists "The Velezquez Brothers." It was specially commissioned for "The Tijuana Black Velvet Standards of Indignico Inc., The Limitless Edition" a series of collectible, museum-quality black velvet paintings produced by The Patriot Portrait Collectibles of Indignico Inc. Each genuine, authentic Tijuana Black Velvet Painting within this series is guaranteed to have been painted entirely by hand in Tijuana, Mexico exclusively by the talented hands of a professional Mexican velvet Elvis artist from Tijuana, Mexico... and each one of these velvet paintings was created entirely for you,, the All-American American People---And that, my fellow Americans, is all due to the efforts of the fine folks and patriotic Corporate-American Executives over at Indignico Inc., An All-American American Company that will stop at absolutely nothing to smuggle, over the border and into your lives, just a little bit more All-American American Quality
That's right...you read that right...I didn't think it was possible, but dammit..a painting done in MEXICO by MEXICAN artists somehow translates as "All-American American Quality". Go figure.
ITEM #2:
Auction Title: Purple Cow Salt Pepper Shaker, Japan
From the seller: "This is a pretty little Purple cow carrying her yellow pale salt and pepper. She is made in Japan. There is mild crazing on salt and pepper shaker. there is no crazing in cow."
CLASSY!
ITEM #3:
Auction Title: Artistic Lamp by Gordon-Clown
From the seller: "Vintage Artistic Lamp by Gordon. Artistic-Gordon Lamp Products Co., Phila, 23, Pa. Style #Clown B. Base 6", Lamp 19" with Shade, 13" without. Shade is 18". Good Condition. Works!"
Clown my ass. That's a drunk hobo lamp! You ain't foolin' me!
F'in hell....SIX of these for 11 bucks! Now that's a bargain! Think how sweet my new lawn will be with a half dozen of these pink babies flappin in the wind. Now that's how you do landscaping, folks! You can never have too many pink flappin' flamingos! Of course they'll look great next to this....
ITEM #5:
Auction Title: JUNK IRON PIG PATIO GARDEN ART METAL LAWN DECOR 1173
From the seller: "Yeah....he's Rusty and sorta Funny Looking. But that's why we fell in love with these fellows as soon as we saw them! VERY UNIQUE piece would make a wonderful conversation piece for any decor. He's constructed from "spare parts"! We have others listed here in our ebay store if you care to look! The pig you see below is the pig you'll receive. Measures OVER A FOOT Tall (13"), 18" wide (front to back) & 1 /2" wide across the rump."
Thank god they measured its ass for me. I wouldn't want to waste 40 bucks plus shipping without knowing how wide my new iron piggie's backside is, if it was too small it wouldn't act as the perfect counterbalance to the circle of pink flappin' flamingos I'll be arranging around my new little lawn porkchop.
Ok, ok, I know I just posted yesterday but a new set of mannequins has come onto the market and i just had to share them. The mannequins in themselves aren't that impressive. Sure they have suave, early 90's David Spade hair-dos and they seem to enjoy ribbon play while at the same time one of them seems to indulge in "cutting" or at least half-ass suicide attempts. But what really caught my eye is in the background. Is that Hans Solo trapped in carbonite?? No- it couldn't be, I don't see his hands, instead I see at least one more disembodied head. What could it be then? My money is on ghosts in the walls. Ghosts are famous for loving on mannequins. And what could make for an even spookier Halloween than 90's-riffi mannequins who have suicide wishes and ghosts.... sounds like the perfect horror movie set up to me, all that is missing is some horny teens!
So a Swedish advertising agency thought that this would be a great idea to show how clean this airline's new biofuel is. Let's show adults and children alike drinking straight from the pump. I mean when I'm thirsty, and I mean REALLY thirsty, it's nice to know that I can just run over to the nearest pump and starting fueling myself up. If you notice in the first pic, the PeeWee Herman looking boy is soooooo thirsty he has to double fist the pump just to quench that thirst. In the second pic, the man doesn't want to spill any on himself so he's goin with the tried and true "drinking out of the hose" method. Finally the last picture, the kids are sharing, isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen? I think that this is the best use of advertising ever!!!
This weeks featured mannequin also comes to us from Blocket.se, while it is not a interesting as last weeks post I still feel it has its merits.
Mannequin #1 looks a bit like Pink, perfect for fjortis slut wear. Mannequin #2 is a bit hippy but still is a relatively normal looking mannequin, perhaps she modeled granny panties and pointy bras something during her career. Mannequin #3 is my favorite. While she looks similar (one could say almost identical) to #2, there are some differences. First of all someone has done something to her right leg. Was it dry humping? Was it whipping? Who knows..Next you notice her the right side of her torso.. what happened there? Cigarette burns? More dry humping? Hickeys from an emo kid wearing black lipstick?? Finally there is her awesome hair. The black afro was a good choice! It not only accentuates her hips but also the black marks all over her "well used" body. All in all, this group would be well worth the 3000kr asking price
As usual Britt and I enjoy looking for creepy folks selling their mannequins. Sometimes the things are disfigured, sometimes dressed way too sexy for us to imagine anyone purchasing them for mere "retail" use, others are just odd.
This is the first of what is surely many Mannequin Madness entries to come.
Today we found an ad on Blocket that took the cake:
This article gives some good tips as to how Hobo Shoes should handle her future job as a bus driver in P-town. Apparently stopping a bus on railroad tracks despite an oncoming train is a good way to make the little bastards shut up. Another good way to make them shut up is by shooting a bunny. Either way death is involved as our good times for most (mainly the bus driver).
Alright, so we all know by now that Swedes have all sorts of crazy allergies, fruit, mozzarella cheese, mannequins, hamsters, dogs, N-U-T-S (I didn't dare put the letters together, someone might have an allergic reaction...danger..danger!). No one knows where these allergies come from. Some believe that they are made-up, that the Swedes imagine them to feel special, to stick out in a lagom world. Let me say now that the people who believe that are blasphemous! We all know that allergies come from the allergy gnomes that live deep in the mountains and ride around on the fabled animal "reindeer" (look it up, it's in the encyclopedia next to unicorn) and on the most vicious of all Swedish animals, the hedgehog. Every spring these gnomes awaken from their berry induced slumber and come to the villages that populate Sweden, leaving a devestating wake of allergy related bitching and moaning.
Well apparently Swedes have a new thing to fear, and it isn't "reindeer", hedgehogs or allergy giving gnomes, it is Alvedon! That's right apparently pain relievers not only can give you astma they can also turn you into a pre-teen pirate!!
Yes, DN has finally broken the heart-wrenching story of how small children can be turned into asthmatic pirates by simply taking a pain/fever reliever or two. Damn you Alvedon! Damn you all to hell! Now the Swedish children of tomorrow will be saying such things as, "Aye, she be a saucy wench" and "Arg! Scurvy Sea Dog" instead of "That chicken-head be fucked up" and "What's up my Nigs!". Oh the humanity! http://www.dn.se/DNet/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=597&a=829952
Sometimes I really do wish I could put my babies in jail. For those "Egyptian" moments. We all know that Pootie loves Stargate. And the best cat platform ever!!!
You just have to love some of these low budget commercials. I've listed a few of my faves.
#1: DIRT CHEAP LIQUOR STORES
Hey kids, it's Hangover, the loveable chicken! Why settle for playing guitar hero with your friends after school? You should be partying hard like the big kids - by doing body shots off a hooker named "Lucy Loose"! And at Dirt Cheap, you can get all the Night Train needed for a night of CHEAP CHEAP FUN FUN and you'd barely have to dip into your school's bake sale profits. YAY! Booze for everyone!
#2: EAGLE CAR INSURANCE
I see this company decided to throw "reputable" and "trustworthy" out the window. But kudos to them, instead of spending big bucks on good actors they opted to just get a few "choice" women that hang out behind the local bowling alley and get them stoned out of their mind and promised to make them TV stars. And with all that money they saved on actors - they were able to stretch that special effects budget and provide us with some unforgettable sound effects as a MALE eagle shits out an egg on their car. I'd say it was money well spent!
3: MARTIN FURNITURE
Okay, I'm stumped. I can't decide which is weirder - that the "martians" look like women in cheap "fish" costumes, or that they're REALLY FUCKIN' HAPPY to be blasted by the old geezer with the lazer gun. Wonder if he gives a discount for the nasty martian splooge left on the couch? I want 20% off or at least a free scotchguarding so it won't happen again dammit!
4: TOWN AND COUNTRY FURNITURE:
Ever wonder how us Texans manage to sell furniture when all those wacky yankees have laser guns and other shit at their disposal? How could we possibly compete? With a strong redneck sense of determination and a baseball bat of course!
Take that you cheap dresser! YEE-HAW!
5: GEORGIA CAR CREDIT:
Cuz pimpin' in da deep south ain't easy yo!
6: SMART BEEP:
Though not low budget like the others, this is still one of my faves, a total classic. Not suprisingly, my first pager was with these bastards. Probably because of their awesome commercials.
7: BIG BILL HELL'S USED CARS:
Okay, I know this is not a "real" aired commercial per se, but dammit - it is awesome!
So I was perusing the net this morning (well early afternoon, you know i can't get my ass out of bed at a decent hour). Anyways this wonderful article inNorrbottens-Kuriren caught my eye. So check out this link!!!..it is so great. God I love/hate Swedes, they are so naive and stupid.
So I saw this totally kick ass ad for booze while I was at home, well at the Baudette Municipal Liquor Store to be more exact.
Now, I am not a whiskey kinda lady, but this ad, this totally awesome ad made me think twice about picking up a bottle of whiskey, jumping in my '78 Camaro and letting the good times roll. I'm not exactly sure what type of Club this so-called Canadian Club is, but I am pretty sure that you and I NEED to become members ASAP! Man i love Canadians!
Behold the awesomeness (of both the ad and my sis)
Well, today was Dolph's first day of wrestling camp. He really suprised me and did really well - he has two coaches and they definately don't take shit from the kids....I took a few notes on their coaching technique and found myself a new favorite phrase: "Shut up and listen- listening is NOT optional here!" LOL.
The facility was amazing. It was held at Rockwall High School and man oh man was I jealous of all their goodies. It took me a long time to find where it was because they have SEVERAL indoor athletic facilities. Well, this one was pretty awesome - inside they had EVERYTHING, mats galore, a FULL FOOTBALL FIELD (with the coolest artificial grass I ever saw - it looked and FELT like walking on real turf- it even had fake DIRT in between the blades to give it that real feel...the coach told me the "dirt" was made from ground up tires and sand. Oh, and did I mention that on the sidelines there was a full weight room of machines? And a killer sound system? Damn, if we only had shit like that here!
Anyway, here's some pics of our day, including a stop off at Long John Silver's for lunch. Check out how awesome this place was!
You know how we're always joking around about people (mostly in Piteå) making the "walk of shame", especially after those groovy 5-day holidays? AMP energy drinks has an awesome commercial and everytime it plays I think about ya and all the good laughs we have at others' expense. LOL.
So I came into work today-tired as hell cuz i stayed up till 5 watchin SG-1 and had to be to work at 10. Anyways as I get to work I see Bernes looking worse than me but with a big smile on his face. Upon being greeted with this sight two thoughts jumped into my head:
1. What the hell happened to his hair?
and 2. Why the hell is he smiling?
My questions were soon answered.
Apparently Bernes got lucky... JUDGING! pre-marital sex is wrong, also sex is gross
last night (Tuesday)... JUDGING! Tuesday?!?! sex on a school night?!?!
with a chick... JUDGING! okay, well i guess a chick is better than a goat or vacuum
who he picked up at Kalle's... JUDGING! Kalle's isn't exactly known for quality cunt
who is only 20!... JUDGING! 20?!?! WTF? -First of all, wrong and gross! He is like 3o+, he should know better! -Secondly, What the fuck is wrong with this girl? When I was 20 I would not have gone home with and old dude!
who was sober... JUDGING! this sort of behavior may be acceptable if your are flat on your ass drunk but not if you are sober or even sober-ish.
who gave him a shitty hair cut... JUDGING! Seriously his hair looked like it was cut with a lawn mower. A hair cut that bad could be forgivable if you were coked out of your gourd or blind, but a sober person has no right purposely (or not) making someone look that bad with scissors! he has a nearly bald spot on the right side of his head! before or after having UNPROTECTED SEX with him... JUDGING!!!! can you say chlamydia? Bernes assured me that he asked her if she had HIV/AIDS before riding that pony, because a horny post-teen girl's word of not being a disease ridden cum-dumpster is golden. Why would she lie about having arm-chlamydia?? i was judging so hard today. Yuck! Apparently he never wraps us since that makes sex no-fun. Gross!! Penis! Yuck!
Thankfully I found this t-shirt, maybe we can convince Kalle's to sell them. It would be the hottest selling item in all Piteå Kommun
Note to self: Google Image Search for "Cum Dumpster" = okay Yahoo Image Search for "Cum Dumpster" = Frightening!
God I love Richard Dean Anderson. Not only have I had sexy dreams where I am the McGyver chick but his antics in Stargate keep me happy as a jaybird. Now, after seeing this video he has become a god in my eyes... Behold the 70's sexiness!
So i was bored out of my mind, decided to peruse my old friend youtube for some shits and giggles. I typed in Piteå and uploaded during the last week and guess what I found to my suprise....everyone's favorite cheer.. "In the Stands" performed live in badhusparken.
Must claw out eyes and fill ears with wax!!
So after witnessing the horror of this video I decided to see just who had uploaded this video..I am guessing that it was Pappa Björn who uploaded this based on the user name and my memory of where everyone was sitting. Curiosity got the best of me, so i had to check out what else this user has posted, sex videos, drug videos, videos of linnea running into walls..who knows this is what i found
now please tell me..what the fuck is that?!?!
in other awesomeness from piteå on youtube in the last month:
Thank God you posted, I was beginning to think that the monster in the attic ate you!
Gotta say I love the Dr. Rey infomercial. If you watch the beginning he totally grabs the presenter's titties, when he is talking about sagging. For a flaming homosexual he sure is grabby.
so it has been colder than a witch's tit here. Kiruna got like 8cm of snow. I'm not sure how much that translates into normal measurements, but dude, it is snow!!
I've been working pretty much everyday, makin my pizza dough$$. It is okay workin everyday since I don't have you to hang with anymore, although i do miss much daily bitch session with you on the phone after work, and then beer and Girls Next Door to top off the evening.
Apparently some bear ate a living moose somewhere inland here and a guy caught it on video- since then people have been freaking out about bears. It is all over the papers. There was a great article in the Piteå paper today about a guy who had a lecture about bears in like Arvidsjaur or something, but the greatest thing about the article was this line: - Det är säkert många naturälskare, och inte minst då kvinnor, som i dag känner rädsla och stor björnfrossa inför risken att kanske ställas öga mot öga med en björn på sin skogpromenad, säger Eriksson.
Yeah, that's right..us women folk are terrified of meeting a bear face to face in the woods. Men have to fear at all of bears, it is just us pussy ass women.
Oh yeah...not to get off topic but I saw WCP the other day in COOP. We saw the van of doom as we came in, so I thought I would try to keep my head down to avoid WCP. Well,Martin and I were panting when the bathroom door behind us opens up and who comes out?? None other than WCP being pushed by his lady-lackey. GROSS!! Now don't get me wrong, I know that there are handicapped people in this world who need help using the bathroom and going about their day, but come on, is he so handicapped that he can't wipe his own ass?? Okay, well maybe he is that bad off (which I doubt) but can you imagine having the job taking HIM to the bathrooom. As a woman he would be all up in your titties, grabbing your ass while he is takin a monster dump. Nasty! Well needless to say as soon as i saw him come out I looked away quickly and kinda hid so he wouldn't see me.
I would like to dedicate this blog to the unsung American hero: crappy daytime TV commercials.
I don't know what I find more offensive, the commercials themselves or who they assume their target audience is. Because boys and girls, if you sitting at home watching TV in the middle of a weekday while the other Americans are out there working their asses off, in American terms you, you lazy schmuck watching a rerun of Judge Judy are now classified as a "loser".
If you are at home watching TV at 10:30 a.m., (according to the advertisers who target you during these times) you must not be at work, so you MUST either be:
1. Some idiot who can't get a job. (This includes junkies, dropouts, single moms, "mamma's boys" locked in their parent's basement, a hillbilly, or a welfare-skeezing tramp who needs to call and get a paternity test from some DNA center so you can collect your child support later from whichever lucky man who got to be your "baby's daddy".
2. Some rich fuck who won the lottery but needs to call and get your lottery allocations consolidated into one lump sum.
3. Some schmuck who used to work but got injured on the job or in a car accident on your way to work that needs to call a lawyer NOW to get that settlement money you deserve comin' to you!
4. Some fat pathetic bastard who can no longer fit through the front door to get to work.
5. Some old fart who probably cant walk so you better call hoverround and get your mobility chair. Oh, and since you're old...that means you probably are going to die soon so you better call and get your ass some cheap life insurance. And if life has taught us anything, old people all have diabeetus. So you better get on the phone to Liberty and get yer "free testin' supplies".
The above reasons are the only viable excuses (according to the commercial advertisers) as to why anyone is home watching the 1:30 p.m. broadcast of Montel, dammit.
Don't believe me? Here's a few gems I saw today that made me snicker:
Hey you...yeah you asshole teenage boy who refuses to get the fuck outta the house and go to a real college...why stop sitting on your ass playing video games when you could turn your lazy slacking skills into a viable career?
Hey you, dipshit who needs to sue sombody over an accident...how about hiring a lawyer that doesn't sleep at night (and it seems to show) plus who uses a snazzy background video playing behind him that probably were ripped off of some "best of Nascar Crashes" tape? NOTE: Check out the background video at :17 for a special suprise......you won't want to miss it. Hahahahahahahahaha! "LOL" indeed.
Single mom? Get off your ass and pay the bills, bitch!
Hey you, you old ensure-chugging geezer! Tired of being stuck in your armchair unable to get up? Well, since your kids are obviously not coming to visit you it's time to get your wrinkled ass a hoverround. Immediately you will be able to gain the mobility and independance of previous years, and will be able to do all those basic things you miss doing, like going shopping, enjoying a picnic, or perhaps cruising down to the local mall where you can impress the young whippersnappers by doing some creepy old-person wheelchair synchronized line dancing with all the other hoverround-using zombies. Woot!
Don't think we left out you, you fat lazy men! Larry the Cable guy says call Nutrisystem and "Git-r-done"! Weight loss isn't just for the ladies anymore!
Too many more to list tonight, maybe I'll add a second part later. :)
Well, sorry for not posting in a few days. Today my phone charger FINALLY arrived - huzzah! So hopefully I'll be able to squeeze in a few posts with pics soon, and I'll be able to provide full photographic goodness on the trip-from-hell that I will shortly embark upon on Wednesday.
Today was a pretty boring but much needed day of rest for me. My dad decided to spend the day with his girlfriend so I was home alone with Dolph all day. I spent the day just being lazy, taking random naps and watching TV. (I wanted to investigate the attic but didn't since I didn't have a charged phone to take any snapshots of the monster.)
Television watching was a ton of fun. I watched episode after episode of the worst daytime swill American TV has to offer. After several episodes of Maury and Montel and the various "Judge So-and-So" show here and there I popped on the Home Shopping Network and watched a whole hour of what they were selling. And what I found on offer was GOLD baby...pure gold.
Yes, that's right...when he isn't busy play-fighting topless Brazilian jujitzu warriors, performing horrid boob jobs or neglecting his wife and kids, it appears our dear pal Dr. Rey has found himself another great diversion in his life by hawking his own line of "shapewear" on HSN.
NOTE: Don't miss the Dr. Rey gratuitous ass-stroking action at 5:10! It is downright "Beautiful...beautiful..."
Hello miss thang- So here is the new Sub-slut sign..Yup, that's correct you can get a what is pretty much a meal plus a cookie for the low low price of 69 SEK - That is $11.49 !! What a great deal!
So a few updates- --apparently WCP came back to Äljest on monday when i wasn't there, he didn't ask about me, but he did the whole looking around and around and around thing (like he used to do for you). I haven't seen him since, but I'm sure he will be back.
--your hubby got a Britt DUI last night (dialing under the influence) he called me around 1 am all sad cause I never come by any more, apparently nobody ever comes by anymore. So I guess i need to make a stop by to check up on Stewie and tell Erik i came by to see him.
--Finally, today it was ass hot, and even hotter in front of the pizza oven, so I was having a not that fun day. The only thing that made it better was a guy who came in wearing a wife beater with what looked to be an over the shoulder holster (you know like dectives in NY police series wear under the sport coats..) anywho I knew he wasn't packing, so i wonder what the holster was for, till he turned around. It was a MAN PURSE!!! an over the shoulder holster man purse...can you say YIKES!!!!! the thing was, he totally looked like a cool dude except for the man purse..
anywho..my booze is calling, will post more later dude it's hot..blah!
Hmm...maybe you should have flown that super cheap flight through American..from aftonbladet.se
Kabinfönster slog ut motor
Samtliga 132 ombord klarade sig oskadda vid nödlandningen
Först lossnade ett kabinfönster.
Som sedan trasade sönder ena motorn.
Det amerikanska jetplanet – som är av samma modell som 44 av SAS plan – tvingades på söndagen till en nödlandning med 132 passagerare ombord.
Syrgasmaskerna sänktes ned och piloten tvingades till en nödlandning.
Men värre än så blev det inte för de 132 passagerarna ombord på söndagens flygning med American Airlines mellan Dallas och Fort Myers i Florida. Trots det lär dramatiken inte ha saknats under flygturen.
20 minuter in på resan
Det var det yttre av tre kabinglas som 20 minuter in på resan lossnade och trasade sönder planets ena motor.
Flygplanet av modellen MD-80 har motorerna monterade längst bak, men om det var därför olyckan kunde ske har flygbolagets företrädare inget svar på.
– Vi vet inte riktigt varför det skedde. Fönsterna ska klara hårt tryck utan att brista, säger American Airlines talesman Tim Smith.
SAS har 44 likadana plan
SAS har i dag 44 plan av samma modell.
Enligt Smith hade planet kunnat fortsätta på bara en motor, trots det valde man att återvända till Dallas Fort Worth.
En timme efter landning kunde de 132 passagerarna kliva på ett annat plan som tog dem till Florida.
Hello missy! How is Texas? P-town and her crew is fine, not as warm today, probably in the upper 60's but a little muggy. I didn't go to the doctor today. Just didn't want to get out of bed. I met Johan for coffee and he told me he went to the doctor a few weeks back for nose bleeds and they didn't do anything, just looked in his nose and said "It looks fine". He has some sort of special doctor through work that he went to instead who took some blood and ran some allergy tests-sounds like I need to pretend to work at his job so I can get some sweet tests done too. So while I was in town I saw a few awesome things: Pite-åwesomness #1 Are these not the ugliest sandals/shoes you have ever seen? yes yes- that is fake suede aka fuede, and yes the soles and the entire shoe, including sole and fringe of made of this wonderful fuede...can you say COMFY!?! And the best part of these shoes...the price! That is correct, you too can be a pite-riffic fashion diva in these gorgeous shoes for only 399 SEK if you put that in dollars it turns out to be $67! Wow..what a bargain!
Pite-åwesomness #2 Yes, you see correctly, this picture was taken today- Idiot Andreas has put up another 1-year anniversary poster outside COOP. What the hell is he thinking?!? The dates are on the fucking poster, idiot! There was trash all around the ute-servering and some hippy chick was camped out there with her hund, just chillin, not eatin subway. But someone did drag the big sign outside, I'm guessing it wasn't andreas, maybe his ringer dragged it out yesterday and forgot to bring it in. When I went in to check out what was going on (around 3:45) there was pretty much no one there (maybe one person in line, even thought COOP was full) and him and his daddy was working.. Yup..daddy is working hard.
Read about your problems honey..that sucks..daft old bastard..at least you have your sister-in-law to take care of you. If all else fails you can move into the attic with the epiliptic great dane and his merry men of possums!
As for me the nose bleeds continue..so i'm gonna go to the doctor tommorrow-hopefully it won't be dr.chlamydia. I'm pretty sure I don't have nose chlamydia but you know that will be the diagnosis.
So onto the lies I told today... 1. Eating Kebab supports terrorism.
yeah, I know this isn't true, but I got so sick of Kebab pizzas, Kebab tallriks and Kebab rulles today that I actually told some kid that by buying kebab he is supporting the Taliban-poor kid changed his order to a Vesuvio instead. So that is one less annoying customer ordering nasty kebab shit.
Yes Yes the picture is true, kebab meat comes directly from Bin Laden's beard. Terrorism-riffic.
and on to the next lie of the day:
2. Valerie has been deported
yes, you read correctly, I actuallyl told someone today that you had been deported. Let me start at the beginning of the story. I was working away at Äljest, sweating my ass of in the heat making fucking kebab rulles and salads when all of sudden I see familiar vehicle pull up outside Äljest. My heart skipped a beat.. could it be..No..No..Dear God NOOOOOO!!! But yes..my eyes had not decieved me...as soon as I saw the door open and the ramp fold down I knew the horror was true, Feels on Wheels had found me. At first I thought Lackey #1 had brought him there to "see" me, but it turned out it was the chubby assisstant. As soon as I saw him start to roll out I audibly said "Fuck No" and Bernes heard me- he answered my outburst with "Jag hatar den jävla". So I wasn't the only one despising WCP. So he takes him time rolling in and I tell Bernes to give me some chores so WCP can't bug me. So he finally makes it inside with his big grim...saying "Hej!!! Det är jag!! Hur är det?? Jag hörde att du jobbade här, det är därför jag är här." So he doesn't even order any food, just a coke..and totally blocks my way so I can't "work", thank god Bernes told him to move his wheelchair so I could get by. At least his lackey ate something. After blocking my way for awhile and trying to catch my eye he cornered me and asked me "Var är Valerie?" I was "busy" so I just said "I Amerika" and walked away.
So he rolls away and hangs with his lackey while lackey eats. Before he leaves he rolls back up, blocking my way (all the while Bernes giving him the stink eye). WCP just wants to talk (he knows better than to ask for a hug from mean bitch brittany). All WCP has on his mind is Val.
"Val is in America?? What is she doing there?", WCP asks. Mean Bitch Britt replies, "She is living there now. She didn't get another job after Subway and was sent back to America.2 WCP shocked but with hope asks, "But she will be back...won't she?". "Nah, I don't think so, she is there with her son and is really happy there. She got a great job (my third lie of the day) and is probably never gonna come back to Sweden."
At that he unlocked his wheels backed up and left with a quick "Hej Då". I shit you not, once I told him that you weren't coming back, that he didn't have a chance of getting anymore sloppy kisses, titty rubs or lapdance from you, he didn't have any use for mean bitch brittany anymore.
The icing on the cake (for my part) was that after he left Bernes came up and told me that from now on I'm only sposed to tell big tittied 20+ single girls where I work, not creepy old dudes. I was like, "I didn't tell that creep I work here, Lackey #1 must have" and then I tried to tell Bernes about how WCP called me on my cell one time looking for you and how he used to hang at Subslut all the time bothering you and me, following you around waiting for tittie-riffic hugs and free food. Blah! Like I would tell him where I work. At least I think he will leave us alone now (since he thinks you'll never be back).
(Something Val will never have to do as long as she never takes that manager position at Subway)
Well, I am at my brother's for the moment. My Dad seems not to want to let me alone in the house. He had his girlfriend Murray over yesterday and had me cook breakfast and dinner for them. We sat around and she taught me a really cool card game. Actually, this lady seems really nice. However, in front of her in the morning Dad said "I'm going to need that Mastercard back from you." and I'm like WTF! I never asked him to send me that card to begin with, and here he is asking for it back in front of company. So I'm like, here...have the damn thing, geez, don't you trust me? And he's like "I need to make sure I have some control around here." Talk about an ass....I'd never charge anything on that if he didn't ask me himself to personally do it....like getting him some eggs or something from the store. Seriously, like in the airport we really had no money at all to buy food or anything, but I still refused to use the card for anything but the hotel room that he had instructed me - I wonder why the FUCK he won't trust me. I gave it back and told him to fuckin' clip it and I guess his girlfriend looked a little disapproved that he was treating his 32-year old daughter like she was 16 and he made me take it back. Whatever....it can rot in my suitcase for all I care.
So here comes the icing on the cake....I was going over to spend the night at Terry and Beth's house. Dad says "Well, I'll probably be at Murray's tomorrow so you'll need to spend most of the day there since I won't be home." I told him I'll come home whenever they want me to, and it isn't a problem since Beth has a house key, so she can let me in. Obviously he wasn't having that because when Beth came over to pick me up and I was serving him and Murray their food he said it again, this time in front of Beth. I told him AGAIN, there isn't a problem, because BETH HAS A KEY so I can get in. His little girlfriend then said, "Maybe you should have another key made" and Dad said "I don't have to, I have a key and she has one" (meaning Beth). Murray then, just hoping Dad was senile or thick explained to him slowly "what I'm saying is, maybe you should have a key made so that your DAUGHTER will have one while she's here so she can get in the house too". He ignored the comment and instead shifted the conversation to certain hands of a bridge game, making it pretty obvious that when he isn't at home I'm not welcome or can't be trusted in the house by myself. *sigh*
I swear, this is like being sixteen again.
I'm in no rush to go back today. I'm sure he'll be calling as soon as he wants some laundry done or a meal cooked. I bet he has no idea he even hurt my feelings. He did call me last night asking if I knew where his TV remote was. (I never watch TV in his room). Bah. Oh, and when he called Beth answered and he asked for Yvette. Nice, doesn't even know my name. Doesn't surprise me, his girlfriend asked me how old I was, she was wondering and told me "Your father doesn't know how old you kids are".
Bah. Fucked up family I come from man....ah well, at least Terry and Beth and the girls are normal. They've been real sweet to us.
Okay, so since I've been back at my parents' house I've noticed something.
There is something in the attic.
No, not just old clothes or Christmas decorations. I really mean something.....something alive.
So, on Thursday morning I get up and put on some makeup in my Dad's bathroom. I hear this sound coming from the celing over the shower. Something is up there, and it is making noise. AND IT IS BIG. Seriously, it sure as hell ain't no damn rat or squirrel. It sounds like a fuckin' Great Dane is up there having a seisure. And this is in the middle of the day.
So I go tell pop "Uh, you have something alive up in your attic I think." and he says "Oh yeah, I know, that damn animal, it's been there for over a year now." He really seems non-bothered by it.
He claims he had paid a couple hundred last year for some exterminators to go up there but they couldn't find anything. BULLSHIT. From the way this thing sounds up there, it must be the size of a small pony - you'd have to be deaf, blind, high on crack, or really retarded to miss it.
I keep wanting to go up into the attic to investigate, but Dad won't allow me to since last year he had our lesbian neighbor: "the black one", put up some traps there. She obviously took a wrong step and fell completely through the garage ceiling landing on the garage concrete floor in a pile of drywall rubble, somehow breaking her ankle in the process. Since I am known to be the family clutz I am not allowed anywhere near that attic. But I wanna KNOOOOW what the fuck is up there! So, as soon as Dad finally lets his guard down and goes to his girlfriend's house and leaves me here alone I am so taking a peek.
My first guess was raccoon. Maybe opossum. But the more I listen to it I'm leaning towards my initial assumption that it is an epileptic Great Dane.
Anyone wanna throw their money in the betting pool and take a guess what the mystery attic creature is? LOL.
To be continued.....with photos. Once dad leaves me alone in the house that is....
(No, the above is not an actual photo of the attic, but just one of many possible visions I may find up there. EEK!)
