Saturday, November 8, 2008


The holiday season is fast approaching, and with it comes the question most parents ask themselves: How can I ensure my daughter will grow up to be a slut? Well look no further than your local Toys-R-Us! Almost everything the mini-fjortis needs can be found under one roof. Here are hoboriffic's top picks for this season:


#18: The Slutty Santa Chloe from Bratz:

The doll that shows girls what the holidays are all about, preparing to be a Ho, Ho, Ho. Note: Fuck-me-boots included!


#17: Hello Kitty and Tinkerbell Belly Rings:

Because no fjortis is complete without some sort of body piercing that is inappropriate for her age, these rings are great starter kits for the mini-ho.


But what about the hair....if one is to be a PROPER fjortis, one must have hair that is pite-riffic, full of crazy colors and put into that stylish chic "swedish girl mullet" to be taken seriously. Well, here's the best of this years toys to make sure you too will have sluttastic hair!:

#16: Bratz Hair Color Station:

Found in page 57 of the Swedish Toys-R-Us Holiday catalog, this product boasts that not only can it be used on your Bratz dolls, but for YOU TOO!

#15: Bratz Hair Color Torso:

Again, not only can you use this to "fjortify" Chloe's sexy bare-midriffed torso, the toymaker insists that once you practice your skills, you can fuck up your own hair too!

#14: Dream Dazzlers Stylist Chair:

Tired of having to go to the salon to get that awesome mullet frilla? Look no further, now you can do it at home!

#13: Dream Dazzlers Hair Color Kit:

When you've got that perfect fjortis cut, you better be sure to have the right multitude of tacky hair colors. No Salon Chair kit would be complete without this add-on!

#12: Girl Crush Hair Extension Studio:

Uh oh, cut too much of your hair off in the salon chair? No worries, the Girl Crish Hair Extension studio will make sure you too have crazy colorful extensions without having to throw away tons of kronor at those expensive salons!

#11: Hair Streaker Set:

Now that you have the cut and color, you won't be considered a fjortis without streaks of wildly-colored-shit in your hair. But no worries, for the low price of 189:90- SEK Toys-R-Us in Sweden has you covered! :)


No fjortis can walk the malls without bearing the fjortis-trademark, the underage and inappropriate tattoo! Luckily, this holiday season brings a multitude of products to the Swedish market - many of which are either not being sold in the American market or are incredibly unpopular and, who knew? Maybe because Americans see "keeping their daughter off the pole" as part of a good parenting plan?

#10: High School Musical 2 Tattoo Studio:
(Only 249:90- SEK!)

#9: Hannah Montana Tattoo Gun: (Only 239:90- SEK!)

#8: Girl Crush Tattoo Studio: (Only 239:90- SEK!)


#7: Everyone knows that fjortisar spend 90% of their time wandering the mall. Get your child prepared now by getting her the Hannah Montana Mall Madness Game!:


So now you have almost everything down, but what about the style, the look? Well, Toys-R-Us has you covered there too! Choose from a variety of "play fashions" and you'll be ready to strut the mall with your friends in slutariffic style in no time!

May we suggest any of these fine choices:

#6: IDOL Dress Up Kit:

#5: Hello Kitty Rockabilly Kit:

#4: High School Musical Sharpay End-Of-Year Dress Up:

#3: Hannah Montana in Gold Dress n' Play:

#2: High School Musical Sharpay Golf Dress Up Kit:


#1: Home Chlamydia Test:

Not available at Toys_R-Us yet but should be. Pick yours up for 298:- SEK here.

Happy Ho-Ho-Holidays!,



Swedish fashionfreak that's not a fjortis said...

his was absolutely the greates thing i've ever read! About 70% of alla girls in my school are fjortisar, so i'll recommend these fine fjortis-things to them xD


Good for you, girl!

There is nothing wrong with being trendy or fashionable....but there is something wrong with making yourself look like a painted-up hoochie. Toss those girls an issue of Elle and get them on the right track. ;)

Thanks for your comment!

Ashley. said...

Uhm please tell me where to get the hello kitty belly rings...?

Anonymous said...

U know NOTHING about fjortisar!! Where did u get the different colored hair from?? WTF everyone knows fjortisar has blonde hair. And why is everyhting from toys r us, fjortisars are usually aourn 14-18 years old....not 5 so maybe u should do some more research hmm?


Anonymous: Maybe YOU should pay more attention in English class before you come in here spouting off and making an ass of yourself...hmm?

"Fjortis-IN-TRAINING" *huge emphasis on the in-training part* refers to small girls learning to become fjortisar when they grow older. Hence the toys, dipshit, and hence the hair coloring kits and not real hair dye.

Understand linguistic context before feeling ballsy enough to put your foot in your mouth, asshat. Or perhaps the blonde hair dye you're using is seeping in too deep?

Anonymous said...

Not sure where to post this but I wanted to ask if anyone has heard of National Clicks?

Can someone help me find it?

Overheard some co-workers talking about it all week but didn't have time to ask so I thought I would post it here to see if someone could help me out.

Seems to be getting alot of buzz right now.


Musiq 4 Youu! said...

OMG where did you get the tinkerbell belly rings?! =O i want those! lol